More book press and Taco Bell robots

I never thought a drive-thru would give me nightmares

Local News Matters, where I work, did a nice story about me and my book. Thank you for being interested, Leslie.

I really appreciate it, even if it’s weird being interviewed by a co-worker.

The whole thing feels weird anyway. I’m not complaining - you can’t do this for 30 years and pretend you’re surprised or don’t like being the interviewee instead of the interviewer. I want to sell a book and I want your money and everything.

Not all your money. Just a few bucks. I’m not using it to cut billionaire’s taxes or anything. I’m offering up some very personal stories and perhaps an entertaining laugh or two. It’s not a bad deal - you’ll spend more going through the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Which reminds me - have you been through the Taco Bell drive-thru since it got taken over by a big-voiced, terribly pushy robot? We’ve become so enamored with robots and AI, we can’t even talk to humans in the stupid drive-thru.

What they’ve replaced them with is an absolute nightmare. Like a 6-year-old child on an extra large bag of Skittles, it’s pushy, it gives you no time to decide what you want, keeps asking you if that will be all, asks if you want to start over, and does it all in a really LOUD voice. When I pulled up and start perusing the menu - because Taco Bell changes the menu more often than I change my mind (chicken nuggets?), I didn’t recognize anything, so I’m already feeling anxious, like I’m keeping the person wearing the hat inside from doing something more important than checking to see if the quesadilla needs flipping.

Then, out of nowhere, this voice booms from the speaker WELCOME TO TACO BELL WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, PUNY HUMAN AND HOW MANY PACKETS OF SAUCE WILL YOU REQUIRE?

I imagine it’s like being a guest on FOX News. I had a date like that once during which the woman across the table - and I’m not making this up - asked me if I thought we’d have cute kids once we mated. We hadn’t even ordered yet. She made me jump almost as high in my seat as I did when that stupid fucking Taco Bell robot started yelling at me before I could even stop the car. Flustered, I started scrambling to show my ID in case it wanted to drag me away once I proceeding to the window. It was terrifying.

“Anyway - and sorry about that - the book thing is going pretty well. I’m actually starting work on another one in which I’ll tell more horrifying true (relatively) stories about my life that will make you glad you’re still you. If you’d like to purchase the first one for yourself or as a Fourth of July gift for someone special (Is my mom the only person who buys those?), and help Jeff Bezos start saving for his next wedding, click here.

Thanks.