One Barnes & Noble conquered ...

Book signing was like a party, only I didn't throw up

I sat behind my table at Barnes & Noble last Saturday when a woman I didn’t know walked over and looked at an article about my book I’d propped up.

I did that so no one would confuse me with an unhoused fellow who just wandered inside and started selling stolen books. I mean, if you read the book, you know I’ve done stranger things.

She looked at the book, perused the back, looked at me … and something odd happened to her face, not unlike the face I made as a child watching my grandmother combine pickle relish and mayonnaise on white bread.

She put the book down like she discovered someone dipped it in a vat of hot Covid and exited the store.

OK … so it’s not for everyone.

However, I did sign and sell 18 or the 20 copies the store ordered, which I thought was pretty good for two hours of bribes.

The last two copies were placed in the local author’s section (HINT HINT). I’ll recklessly assume the store will order another box when it runs out.

I asked them “So, like, do you communicate with the other stores and tell them how great this went and they order big boxes to sell too?”

The manager person half my age gave me a sad, sad smile, like I tried convincing her Salma Hayek is stalking me.

“No, she said, gently, while reaching into her handbag to find her Taser. “It doesn’t quite work like that.”

Well, fine then. I’ll road trip to the other 347 stores in all 50 states and make them stock it. It won’t be the first time I’ve lived in my car … though it will be the first time I’ve driven to Hawaii.

It was really a great day. People I didn’t know actually bought the thing, which was tremendously gratifying. And, yes, so did family I do know.

The first person to show up and buy one was the mayor of my city. Bewildered, I asked why he was there, forcing him to roll his eyes and explain it was deliberate.

I don’t know … there’s a lot of books and a lot of reasons to be in those stores.

The most surprising person I saw was a former BFF with whom I had a parting of the ways 20 years ago, after 21 years of close friendship. She drove many miles and I was pretty shocked. We embraced, probably got some dust in our eyes, and now we’re living happily together as husband and wife.

No idea if she told her other husband …

A few other friends covered some miles, for which I was very appreciative. Kristine Carlson, the co-author of many Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff books was there. She has been a big supporter and helped me along the way with many great tips. Like what she told me Saturday:

“Make sure you sign the leftover books so they can’t send them back,” she advised.

Good thinking. I signed.

Then there was my mom, who treated my two book signings like office holiday parties where she has to arrive early to spike the punch. There’s a video on my Instagram page of her telling strangers she finally threw away the Easter candy from 2025 last week (www.instagram.com/tdhicks99). I’m not sure how the conversation started or why it existed at all, but she’s available for parties and weddings if you need someone to get the dancing started.

My daughter and two of her crew were there, as was my bicycle-riding neighbor. A friend who’s a thrash metal star came by and I may have started a band with another guy I met. A former journalism teacher stopped by, as did two old friends and bandmates with whom I dined afterward. People took photos and ate candy. It was fun.

It was kind of like a party, except I’ll remember it and didn’t throw up the next morning.

My new friend Juliet was also there. She was the person who badgered the store to give me a shot and wanted to see the fruits of her labor.

Let’s do it again soon.

My daughters have a dad to feed, so please consider paying $8 a month to read these columns. Find more nonsense in Tony’s book “Lying Drunk,” available from Barnes & Noble at https://bit.ly/46xoaJJ or Amazon at https://a.co/d/cYNCUPp).